


Equilibrium

by sapphic_sunshine



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Azgeda, Boudalan, Eventual Happy Ending, F/F, Skaikru, aka I try to fix the mess that is The 100
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-01
Updated: 2018-02-01
Packaged: 2018-09-27 15:28:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 13,636
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10028327
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sapphic_sunshine/pseuds/sapphic_sunshine
Summary: The Coalition is in pieces and a new alliance threatens to wipe out both Trikru and the Sky People. In desperation and grief, Clarke makes a second attempt to implant the earthbound embodiment of her lost love’s soul. But something goes wrong and when Clarke’s opens her eyes she is no longer Clarke at all; she has the piercing, calculating eyes of Commander Lexa. Canon divergence following the events of season 3.





	1. Affliction

It was no secret in Arkadia that Clarke Griffin was depressed. Ever since A.L.I.E.’s defeat, she was rarely seen, spending most days alone in her quarters. Anyone who was daring enough to enter typically found her curled up in bed, cradling The Flame in her palm, stone-faced, and eyes swollen and unfocused. The days that she did leave her bed she said almost nothing, not that many people tried to speak with her anyway. Rumor had quickly spread regarding Clarke’s short-lived romance with the late leader of the Grounders. People either didn’t know what to say out of remorse over their actions or out of anger that Clarke could mourn someone, who they thought, was an enemy.

When Clarke did leave her quarters, it was usually to seek out her mother, both to get information on the current state of the surrounding clans and to beg to let her help in some way.

“Clarke, I already told you no.” Abby paused and her face softened. She took her daughter’s hand. “You aren’t in a state to help other people right now, you need to heal yourself. Take time to grieve.”

“Mom, I need to do something. It’s been two months, I can’t keep sitting around. The Coalition is falling apart, Lexa’s entire legacy.”

“And we’re doing everything we can to work with Indra to ensure that does not happen.”

Clarke let go of her mother’s hand, leaning against the wall and staring at the floor. “And how’s that going?”

“Well, clearly Indra is overwhelmed. On top of everything else she has to lead The Coalition until more nightbloods are found and can take The Flame.” Abby watched as Clarke instinctively reached towards her pocket; she never went anywhere without The Spirit of the Commander. The only reason no one had taken it back from her was because everyone was so preoccupied with more important matters. But it did belong to the Grounders and they both knew it.

“And what about Azgeda?”

“Nothing yet. Roan has been nothing but accommodating and supportive of the Coalition, but Indra still says that she doesn’t trust him.”

“Indra doesn’t trust anyone. But I think we have ourselves the thank for that.”

***           

Clarke was only mildly surprised when she came back to her room to find Raven sitting on her bed, tinkering around with what appeared to be Clarke’s alarm clock.

Raven was one of only three of her friends she still talked to. Murphy, while their friendship was awkward at best, would check on her if she didn’t show her face in camp all day and bring her something to eat. He would do everything in his power to smile, and each time would say, “Hey Clarke, just thought you might be hungry,” before putting down the tray and hurrying out of the room. She knew that being back in Arkadia was difficult for him, but if he was able to leave the commissary with extra food most days, he must have been doing relatively well for himself.

Her relationship with Octavia was also a bit unusual. Octavia and Clarke knew each other had lost their soul mate but they never talked about it. Instead, the rare nights Octavia was in Arkadia (Indra had agreed to take her back on as her second, albeit reluctantly) Clarke would awake in the middle of the night to find Octavia lying next to her, seldom asleep and always gone by morning. The only time she spoke was the first time it happened, when Octavia quietly muttered, “I just can’t stay in this place alone.” Clarke was okay with it, those nights she felt just a bit safer.

And then there was Raven, the only person on the planet she could hold a conversation with besides her mother. Raven rarely knocked and always made herself at home, either sitting on Clarke’s bed or the rickety chair next to it, typically tinkering around with a small object. Clarke could immediately see that she had had a rough day.

“You okay?”

Raven looked up. “Yeah, sorry, I was just fixing that ticking you were complaining about, it should be a lot quieter now.” Clarke thanked her and Raven placed the clock on the floor. “Kane visited me again today asking if I could make us more bullets. I don’t know how many times I need to tell the guy that I need sulfur for the gunpowder, and geologically we aren’t anywhere near naturally occurring sulfur.” Raven tilted her head back while she groaned and closed her eyes.

After Pike’s reign as chancellor and the war with A.L.I.E., Arkadia’s previously robust collection of ammunition had dwindled down to almost nothing. And with tensions rising between the Clans, it left Skaikru vulnerable should war begin.

“I’m sorry Raven.” Clarke sat down next to her on the bed.

“And how are you doing?”

“The usual, asked my mom again today if I could help and got shut down.”

“That sucks.”

“Yeah.”

There was a moment’s pause before Raven decided to change the subject. “You know, my nanotechnology and AI studying has been going well, I was surprised how much information on it we had stored on the Ark. It’s really similar to mechanics, just, you know, on a smaller scale.” After A.L.I.E.’s demise, Raven had taken up everything she could to educate herself on the matter, god forbid they had to prevent something similar someday.

Clarke could feel this conversation was going into more difficult territory. She knew logically that The Flame she held so close was really just micromechanics and code, but she felt better when she viewed it instead as the spiritual object of the Grounder’s that held onto Lexa’s soul. She was so real in the City of Light, and Clarke didn’t even get to say goodbye. She came back into focus and realized she instinctively put her hand over her pocket.

“And um, I was wondering if I could see A.L.I.E. 2.0, just for a little while. For an hour, two at the most.”

Clarke looked up at her, almost hurt. She hadn’t let The Flame out of her sight for two months. Titus made her Fleimkepa, it was her job to protect Lexa until another Nightblood was found.

“Clarke, relax.” Raven put a hand on her shoulder. “If you let me study it, I won’t take it apart at all. I just need to scan it to look at the inner workings and want to check that it doesn’t need any repairs or some kind of energy boost. I just…doubt it’s ever spent this much time outside of a human body before.”

Clarke could not think of a reason to say no, and if there was anyone she trusted The Flame with, it was Raven. She took it out of her chest pocket and handed it to her.

“Don’t worry, I’ll bring her back safely.”

 _Her._ That word echoed in Clarke’s mind as Raven left; she had someone that understood what The Flame meant to her, even if she may not value it in the same way. It was really quite incredible how Raven was able to be so nice to her throughout her mourning. Clarke fell in love with the person who ordered that Finn be killed. Granted, Finn’s actions led to his demise but still, it was not lost on Clarke on how very lucky she was to have a friend who would push all of those conflicting feelings aside for her.

***

“Krios, I’m surprised that the Chief of Boudalan would come all the way to Azgeda. The journey takes weeks on horseback, and you especially have a reputation for never leaving your homeland.” King Roan sat on his throne, inquisitive. Three members of his council, two women and one man, surrounded him.

“Y-yes. We began traveling about two months ago, shortly after we heard the _unfortunate_ news of Heda Leksa’s death.” Krios scratched his graying, untrimmed beard. “And naturally on our journey, we learned of all the chaos that happened afterward.” He looked shabby and feeble compared to the four Azgedans around him. The middle-aged man was slightly built, his tunic ragged and skin covered in dust and dirt. Krios had no men with him, just a single sack at his side.

“Chaos is one way to put it. But that still does not explain why you’re here. Out with it, I’m a busy man.”

“I believe that with Azgeda and Boudalan working together, we can seize control of everything, the entire Coalition, and destroy Skaikru before they destroy us.”

There was a moment of silence before the four Azgedans began to convulse in laughter, their chortles echoing through the throne room, much to Krios’s horror. It was at least a minute before their laughter died down and Roan leaned forward to address Krios again.

“And why exactly do you think Azgeda would be remotely interested in working with you? Azgeda is now friends of Skaikru and values the peace the Coalition brings.” The quick silence and change in body language made it clear that Roan’s advisers disagreed with this statement. “And besides, the Boudalan are a cowardly people, you only run from battles and fight as a last resort. The only reason you haven’t been wiped out is because your lands are a lifeless wasteland and you were only in the Coalition out of Leksa’s good grace.”

Krios was immediately on the defensive. “You know what Skaikru did to Trikru, killing people that were there to protect them! If they’re peaceful now, so what. With their weaponry and self-righteousness, it’s only a matter of time before they kill innocents again. And maybe next time it won’t be Trikru lives they take.” Krios’s teeth were bared with each word. “The Coalition as we know it is hanging together by a thread, if there’s any time to strike, it’s now. Even if Indra and Trikru stand behind Leksa’s dying command, by showing our strength it’s only a matter of time until the other clans join us.”

One of the female advisors whispered into Roan’s ear. “He’s right, your mother would have wanted to attack them before they attacked us. Skaikru has shown time and again that they are untrustworthy.”

Roan leaned back into his throne; he couldn’t exactly disagree with what Krios was saying. “You do make a solid argument. But let’s say they we do decide to start a war, you still have not shown what benefit to us it would be to work with you.”

Krios’s upper lip curved into a smile and reached into his bag, pulling out a large metal object, cylindrical and flat in shape. He placed it on the ground behind him and took ten steps back towards Roan. He then pulled out a smaller object with an antenna and a single button on the side, and pressed it.

The resounding “boom” that followed was earsplitting, tearing a huge hole in the flooring of the throne room. It took a few seconds for the sound to stop echoing and the smoke to clear.

“What _was_ that?” King Roan hands were gripping into the arms of his throne; clearly he was caught off guard.

“A weapon, a weapon that was created a long time ago, before _The Forsakening_. We found dozens of them in a dugout six months ago. We believe their purpose is to hide them in the ground and set them off once your enemies are near.”           

“Wow.” Roan took a moment to think of the possibilities using something so powerful. “But your supply is limited and will run out eventually, as will your usefulness. I have no interest in risking my people’s safety for yours if it is not reciprocated.”

Krios smiled again. “Well, you see that is not the only thing we have found. Many forget, but our lands were not destroyed in the way most were during _The Forsakening_. We found another weapon a decade ago, spent years learning how to replicate it, how to feed it.”

“And what is this weapon?”

***

Arkadia had been in absolute chaos for a week. Indra’s spies learned that the Ice Nation and Rock Line were forming an alliance, planning on using an unknown weapon to wage war on both Trikru and Skaikru. Trikru had reached out to the other clans for assistance but all remained silent; it was likely that they were waiting to see who would win before pledging any loyalties. Clarke’s fear had come to fruition; The Coalition was officially destroyed.

Everyone was on high alert, preparing what they could for the impending battle. Everyone except Clarke who, thanks to her mother, was still prohibited from any task assignments. It was proving to be lonely, her mother was far too busy for Clarke to complain to and she saw her friends far less than usual. Murphy was overwhelmed teaching hand-to-hand combat skills to anyone who was able, Raven was being set on a number of useless tasks out of Kane’s desperation, and even though Octavia was now spending most of her time in Arkadia as one of Indra’s representatives, she elected to spend her nights in tents with the other Grounders.

And so, with nothing else to do, Clarke continued to spend her time with The Flame, trying endlessly to think of what Lexa would do in this situation. At least with all of the panic going on, she got the good news from Raven that The Flame was still fully operational, plus that she was learning a great deal in her minuscule free time about the hardware.

Clarke heard the familiar creak of her door and wasn’t surprised to see who it was. “Hey Raven.” Raven usually stopped by every night on her way to her bed just to check in, even though now her visits were only about five minutes long.

“Hi Clarke.” Raven looked absolutely exhausted. “Kane gave me about 10 different kinds of substances that were found by the creek today to see if they could be used to make bullets. They were all useless of course but he insisted I test all of them just in case.” Raven threw herself into the chair. “And even if one of them did work, there’s no way I could make bullets fast enough to make any real difference. The way the Ice Nation’s troops are moving, they’ll be on our doorstep in less than a week.”

Clarke rolled onto her back and held The Flame up to the light. “Lexa somehow created The Coalition, united twelve clans that spent a century fighting each other. Maybe she could have prevented this.” She turned her head towards Raven. “I know part of her is in here. I just wish I could talk to her, you know?”

Raven’s expression changed for a split second from comfortable to a subtle mixture guilt and alarm.

Clarke sat up immediately. “Wait, you know something. Raven do you know a way I can take The Flame?”

Raven turned and stared longingly towards the door but said nothing. She was a woman of many talents but lying to a friend was not one of them – a fact both she and Clarke knew. She looked back at Clarke briefly with apologetic eyes before sprinting towards the door. While Raven was fast, Clarke was faster, launching her body protectively in front of the door.

“Raven, tell me.”

“But-”

“Please.”

Raven paused, averting her eyes as she took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. Even if she did run, it’s not like she could avoid Clarke forever. She looked back at her friend.“It turns out that the some of the technology in the AI isn’t too different from other tech we had on the Ark.”

Clarke squinted her eyes slightly. “How is that possible?”

“Well, the part of the device that _learns,_ that changes with each person that wears it, that’s unlike anything else I’ve seen. But the part that stores human consciousness, the memory of the past Commanders, we already have similar hardware, it was developed before the nuclear fallout. People that required large amounts of brain tissue to be removed due to brain cancer or something else would have it put in. Their consciousness would be scanned beforehand and the device would be implanted afterwards to compensate for whatever part of the brain was missing. We snagged a few from Mount Weather before it was destroyed, so I’ve been studying it too. There are so many parts in common, I have a feeling that The Flame’s creator used it as the groundwork for A.L.I.E. 2.0.”

While Raven was speaking, Clarke had slowly slid against the door to the floor in shock. “So, does that mean you can-“

“I don’t know what it means,” Raven said calmly. She chose her next words carefully. “I’m learning the science behind it yes, but I’m not a medical doctor. And your mom won’t be much of help either, she’s a generalist, and none of the Ark’s neurosurgeons made it to the ground alive. I didn’t want to tell you for a reason, I don’t know if I or anyone else could put a chip in your brain safely, or if it’s even possible to do it with a consciousness that isn’t yours.”

Clarke felt a wave of sadness and disappointment wash over her, but was not going to have the idea rejected that quickly. “In theory, what if you did find a safe way to put it in.”

“My guess is it would probably be similar to Lexa having The Flame, her memory would be a part of your deep subconscious. You’d probably be able to talk to her in your sleep, and maybe while meditating with enough practice.” Raven looked at Clarke’s expression and frowned. “I am not putting anything in you.”

“And why not?"

“Didn’t I just tell you? It isn’t worth the risk.”

“According to you maybe. I put The Flame in me even though I’m not a nightblood, I think that was a lot riskier than this!”

“People were dying Clarke, you had no choice.”

“And more people will die if we go to war! We aren’t exactly in a position to fight, and the reason everything is falling apart in the first place is because Lexa is dead.” The words did not pass easily through Clarke, her lip quivered and her eyes began to water. Saying the words out loud made them real. “And if we never came to the ground, she probably wouldn’t be. But maybe, if I can talk to her, even if it’s just a shadow of her, we can fix this. Find some way to peace.

“Raven, chances are that I’ll die soon, our lives are just surrounded by death now. In the past year I’ve lost my dad, Wells....Finn, and so many others. I killed hundreds in Mount Weather. Lexa was one of the first people in my life I’ve truly connected with, that lived the death and loss I have. And just after realizing what we were to each other, what we could be, I lost her too. I don’t have much to lose anymore, but maybe, just maybe, I can see Lexa again and save us in the process.”

Raven was silent for a few moments, intentionally avoid eye contact with Clarke, and when she spoke it was barely more than a whisper. “Okay. But if it I feel something’s going wrong I’m shutting it off and removing it. Just give me a day to prepare, I’ll get you tomorrow night when most people are asleep.”

And Raven left without another word.

***

Clarke hadn’t slept since her conversation with Raven the night before. And how could she? Tonight she was either going to talk to Lexa or be heartbroken all over again, or worse. The minutes seemed to move as slowly as hours and Clarke didn’t move from her bed, fixated on The Flame she held in her palm. Things had been so still and quiet for so long that she flinched when she heard knocking at her door. Clarke sprinted towards it, The Flame in hand, and was surprised when she saw none other than Monty standing behind it.

“Um, hey Clarke. Raven’s still setting up, she told me to come get you.”

Clarke hadn’t spoken a word to Monty for months. “Hi. You’re helping us?”

“Sort of. She won’t tell me what you two are up to but she convinced me to keep watch anyway. Come on, let’s go.”

***           

Clarke entered the lab alone to find Raven standing over a computer screen, reading something. It took a moment for her to notice Clarke had arrived. “Oh, hey! There isn’t a chance I can still talk you out of this, right?”

Clarke just stared at her, her impression blank.

“Yeah, that’s what I thought. Come on over here.” Raven led Clarke to a plinth in the corner of the room, which had a face-shaped hole at one end. It was surrounded by multiple computer screens and a reflective medical table with various medical supplies, including scalpels, surgical suture, and what Clarke assumed was the consciousness device that she was going to be implanted with. “Get on the table, face down please. Oh, and I need the Flame.”

Clarke reluctantly handed it over and climbed onto the table, resting her head comfortably into the hole. She heard the sounds Raven moving around the room, followed by loud typing.

“Just loading Lexa’s file onto…well, we’ll call it Commander 2.0. I figured out which collection contains her memories since they’re most recent. I didn’t think you’d want all the Commanders in your brain, plus this device wouldn’t be able to store them all anyways.”

Clarke shifted on the table uncomfortably. “Oh, I thought that maybe a part of me on that thing too.” The idea that there was possibly a copy of Clarke within the Flame had brought comfort to her, like maybe Lexa would be a little less lonely in death somehow.

“Honestly, I thought the same thing. But it seems everything with A.L.I.E. #1 was deleted by A.L.I.E. #2. It may just be a security measure, I’m honestly not sure.”

Clarke felt her heart sink; that meant Lexa didn’t know that she loved her. It was now even more important to her that this work.

Raven had begun moving Clarke’s hair out of the way and cleaning the back of her neck with an alcohol solution. “But I know it’s Lexa since last save from the system coincides with the date of, um, her death.”

Clarke became noticeably rigid at those words, but tried to block them out. If all goes according to plan she’ll see Lexa again in a few short hours.

The computer beeped and Raven turned towards it. “Commander 2.0 is all loaded up. Okay so here’s what’s going to happen.” Clarke lifted up her head so she could look at Raven. “I’m going to numb the area around your neck. The medication might make you slightly drowsy but I’ll need you to stay awake. This,” Raven pointed towards Commander 2.0, “will be shut off when it’s put into your neck, I have a remote starter that will turn it on afterward. That way if you have an adverse reaction, I can just as easily turn it off and also your brainstem won’t be exposed to the open.”

Clarke appreciated having everything explained to her. If Raven was nervous about doing this for her, she was doing a great job of hiding it. “Okay, makes sense.”

“Great, lay down again and let’s get started.” Raven put on gloves while Clarke got into position.

Clarke winced as felt a thick needle inject just below the base of her skull. However, the effects were almost immediate, she could barely feel Raven’s touch on the back of her neck.

“Doing okay so far? I’m ready to make the first incision.”

“I’m ready.”

***

A half an hour had passed and Raven was finishing up the stitches in Clarke’s neck. All in all, she thought the surgery had gone successfully, it was simple enough (after all, Grounders has been doing something similar for decades without any proper surgical training), and Clarke had handled everything well. However, there was still no knowing whether the damn thing was going to work.

“Okay, I’m all done. How are you feeling?”

“Fine.” Clarke sat up on the edge of the table. “Are we ready to test it?”

Raven knew that patience was not one of Clarke’s strengths but she couldn’t think of a good reason to say no. “We are.” She grabbed a small rectangular device and flicked a switch on it, causing a small green light on the device to turn on. She got close to Clarke and reached forward, aiming it at the back of her neck. “Here goes nothing,” Raven muttered, and she pressed the button.

A soft “beep” could be heard but Clarke wasn’t sure if it came from the remote or her neck. She sat for a moment wondering if it had worked. She wasn’t sure what she expected but it wasn’t nothing.

“So you may not feel anything right away. It takes some time to warm up and after all, Lexa told you she could only talk to the other Commanders in her dre-“            

Raven was interrupted by a piercing scream from Clarke. She put her head in her hands and clenched her fingers as if trying to claw her way into her own skull. She began to fall forward but Raven caught her just in time, lowering her slowly to the ground. Clarke's foot had caught around the medical table and it crashed to the floor, with all of the associated equipment along with it.

The door slammed behind the pair, which Raven assumed was Monty coming in to see what the hell was going on. She yelled back towards him. “Monty I need that device behind me, the one with the green light.” She then turned toward Clarke, whose head was writhing on her lap. “Clarke, Clarke, just give me a second, I’m going to turn it off.”

“NO,” she screamed frantically, still clutching her head. “NO No no…no.” On her last no, Clarke had suddenly gone limp. Panicking, Raven checked the pulse in her wrist but it continued to beat strong.

Raven and Monty stared at Clarke curled up on the floor, neither one sure of how to proceed. “Thanks,” Raven muttered, as Monty remembered to hand her the remote.

But then as quickly as Clarke passed out, she began to stir again, slowly pushing herself off of Ravens lap until she was sitting on the floor. Her eyes fluttered open and she stared at the ground, eyes unfocused.

“Hey, are you okay? You had me scared there for a moment.” Raven attempted to put a hand on Clarke’s shoulder but she shook off the contact, turning immediately to look at who had touched her.

Clarke squinted as she studied Raven’s face as if she were trying to remember who she was. Her eyes widened for a split second in recognition and then glanced toward Monty for a moment as well. She quickly scanned the room for any more people and content that they were the only three there, Clarke carefully placed her hand over her abdomen.

What she found sent her into a panic. Clarke’s eyes shot into focus and she frantically lifted up her shirt, gawking at the intact, unwounded area. Her eyes then caught her own hands and let go of her shirt in shock; she studied them as if they were foreign to her. Clarke slowly looked back towards Raven and Monty, expecting answers, but they looked as confused as she felt. She began to crawl backward away from them as quickly as her body would allow her but she smashed into the fallen medical table, blocking her path. Her reflection caught her eye and she completely froze, her ability to breathe was taken away from her.

Raven finally realized what was going on. “Oh my god. Lexa?”

Lexa turned towards her in shock, a single tear trailing from the corner of her eye. But then like a switch her expression changed from devastation to fury. She pulled Clarke’s lip up into a snarl and yelled with such force and authority in a way only the Commander could. “What have you **_done_** to her.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After Lexa's death I kept trying to brainstorm how a happy Clexa could still happen but then the season 3 shitstorm kept getting worse and worse. So this is the best I could do :P I promise they will eventually get a happy ending in this! I also stopped watching after whatever episode Lincoln died so there may be some canon inconsistencies over what happened in the third season ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
> 
> There will be 4 parts to this. Just warning y'all but it's probably going to be a couple of months until part 2; it's the part I have the least amount brainstormed plus life is getting pretty busy pretty fast!
> 
> I'm pretty excited about this fic, The Heda's Bride was kind of a warmup fic, it's fun to work on something more original. Hope you guys enjoy!


	2. Rebirth

“Lexa, I can explain. Clarke should be fine, I promise, she wanted this. Well, maybe not _this_ but getting you back, no matter the cost.” Raven didn't dare approach Lexa. She was amazed that the body of her closest friend could immediately become so hostile towards her.

“Start explaining, NOW.” Lexa snarled. But before Raven could answer the Commander felt the worst headache imaginable engulf her, as if her skull was on the brink of explosion. She clenched her eyes shut and memories vividly came to her in fragments.

//////

Lexa was looking through someone else's eyes at...herself. Clarke’s eyes, she quickly concluded.

Weak and dying, the Commander was struggling with each and every breath, her eyes arduously clinging to Clarke’s. Clarke was leaned closely against her, one hand gently running through Lexa’s hair, the other pressing down in a desperate but feeble attempt to stop the blood flowing from her abdomen.

Witnessing your own death is something that cannot be described with words, even for someone as comfortable with death as Lexa. She curiously looked on; to her this had just occurred, a short sleep ago. She had never seen herself look so vulnerable, but she was glad for that. She didn't want her last moments to be Commander Lexa, stoick and alone; she wanted to pass on as Leksa kom Trikru, with the woman who fell from the stars and taught her how to love again.

She was taken by surprise when words began pouring out of her mouth, except they weren't her own, they were Clarke’s. “In peace may you leave the shore, in love may you find the next. Safe passage on your travels, until our final journey on the ground.” Clarke fought back a sob. “May we meet again.”

Lexa remembered this part well. Every fragment of her being was telling her it was time to go, to free her spirit of this wounded body. But she needed this final moment, and as Clarke pressed her lips softly onto her own, she used her last grain of strength to press her lips back in response.

Except now everything did not go black, and Lexa realized she wasn't just looking through Clarke’s eyes. She _was_ Clarke, and she felt the anguish tear through her body like a jagged blade. She gently shut the eyelids of the Commander’s still body and then the tears she fought so hard to hold back during Lexa’s final moments came pouring out of her, as Clarke crumpled over in tortuous sobs.

///

In an instant the scene abruptly changed.

Clarke’s heart was pounding as she rushed into the Commander’s throne room. She began to fight through the crowd to get to Titus but someone grabbed her arm to stop her. “What’s going on?” she asked King Roan, but she only got hushed in response.

“Who sounds the victory horn?” Titus demanded in Trigedasleng.

When Clarke’s eyes focused on the woman sitting on the throne, Lexa knew something was terribly wrong. There sat the Azgedan, Ontari, covered in black blood. Clarke’s breath caught in her throat.

“What is the meaning of this?” Titus demanded once more.

Ontari said nothing. She instead reached into a small bag sitting at her feet and lifted; in her hand was the detached head of one of Lexa’s _Natblida_. “Aden,” Clarke blurted out, horrified.

Clarke was instantly devastated, Lexa could feel, but nowhere near as devastated as she was now. She wanted to scream at the top her lungs, she wanted to charge at Ontari and tear out her throat with her bare hands, make her feel the pain of every single _Natblida_ she unjustly killed.

They were not her blood, but they were as good as her children.

But no matter what she felt, Clarke’s body stayed uselessly still, not responding to the rage and sadness brewing inside of her.

///

Without even a moment to grieve, everything changed again, Lexa realizing she was in Titus’s quarters. Clarke held her breath as Titus pressed his thumb and middle finger against her forehead. After a moment of silence, he spoke.

“This is yours now.” Titus handed over a small leather package, the one Lexa knew contained the flame. Her flame.

“I’ll protect it with my life.” Lexa could sense the words Clarke spoke were true.

///

“Shove your regret up your ass.”

A pale Skaikru boy Lexa did not recognize checked Clarke in the shoulder as he stormed past her. Clarke’s heart was crushed, she had sacrificed her humanity for the life of this boy and their companions, and still he, and so many others, hated her.

///

“You know you’re not the only one trying to forgive yourself.” Clarke was speaking now to the Skaikru warrior, Bellamy. “Maybe we’ll get that someday.”

Had Lexa not known better, she would have been furious at Clarke for speaking sensitively to the man who killed dozens of Trikru allies for nothing but his own fear, indirectly leading to the deaths of her precious _Natblida_ and her own.

 _“And who knows how many others,”_ Lexa thought bitterly.

But she was one with Clarke now and could feel her fury deep inside. This was not for his sake, this was for hers; she needed Bellamy’s help if she was going to save both Lexa’s people and their own.

“We need each other Bellamy. The only way we’re going to pull this off is together.”

///

The memories continued to switch at a dizzying pace; this time, Clarke was in an unfamiliar location, one where thick grass and plentiful trees were replaced with large quarry and towering buildings. But Lexa could feel her terror; she was running for her life. Instantly, two people cut Clarke off and attacked her, ramming her to the ground and kicking her repeatedly. She whimpered, and the pain of every hit made Lexa wish she wasn’t trapped in her body, in her memory, so she could somehow help.

But suddenly a women leaped over them wielding dual swords, slicing through the two attackers and then charging towards another half dozen approaching without missing a step.The woman looked back and Lexa once again realized she was looking through Clarke’s eyes at herself.

“Lexa?” Clarke whispered cautiously, as though if she spoke too loud the woman she cared so deeply for would disappear without a trace.

The warrior locked eyes with Clarke, grinned widely, and continued to charge into battle.

Lexa was in utter shock. _Why don’t I remember this?_

///

As Clarke gained consciousness and slowly opened her eyes, Lexa realized the arms cradling them were in fact her own.

“It’s okay,” the unfamiliar Lexa whispered.

Lexa could feel it, the warming sensation of adoration rush through Clarke’s body, one Lexa had felt for the first time long ago, when she first learned of the personal sacrifice Clarke had made at Mount Weather for her own people. Clarke did not just love her, she was _in_ love with her, But Lexa’s moment of realization was conflicted with an overwhelming feeling of sadness and guilt, just as it was for Clarke now.

Clarke was terrified of what was to come, but the only thing she could bring herself to do in this moment was sit up and kiss Lexa with all the passion she could muster.

The emotion of everything Lexa had witnessed the past few minutes was starting to sink in.  _Why don’t I remember this?_

_///_

“We can't let them follow, GO!” the unfamiliar Lexa commanded. Through Clarke’s eyes Lexa could see dozens of people charging towards them. “I’ll hold them off!”

“No Lexa!” Clarke latched onto Lexa’s arm. _I just got her back, I can't lose her again, I’m not strong enough to lose her again._ But Clarke knew if she was going to save their people and protect the Flame, protect _Lexa_ , she would have to say goodbye, likely forever. And thus it was her last chance to tell her.

“I love you.”

Lexa knew what she felt for her, but hadn't realized how important it was to her to say it. Clarke was able to do the one thing Lexa had never had the courage to do.

The other Lexa smiled sadly. “I will always be with you.” It seemed whatever projection of her this was lacked the same courage. And Lexa turned, charging into battle, her duel swords drawn.

**_Why don’t I remember this._ **

//////

Lexa’s eyes shot open. Her body, _Clarke’s body_ , she reminded herself, was facedown on the cold hard floor.

“Okay, hand me the remote,” Raven spoke quickly.  “I’ll deactivate this thing and see if Clarke comes to. If not we have to remove this chip immediately.”

Lexa had no idea what was going on. One minute she was dying in peace with confidence in the future of her people. Now she was somehow a part of Clarke and her memories, with her people leaderless and her _Natblida_ dead.

Lexa was told for years by Titus that love was weakness. She listened, yet, with two exceptions. First for her _Natblida_ , loving and nurturing them as if their mother. Second, for Clarke Griffin, her equal in nearly every way who helped her realize that love was strength after all.

But now all seven of her novitiates were dead. And Clarke had suffered by the hands of her own people, so much so that Lexa, while without choice, was exploiting her body. Maybe love was weakness; she has never loved anyone without the consequence of pain.

Lexa did not know what she should do besides get out of there immediately. Skaikru may still be a threat, and who knows what they would do to her and Clarke now that they were somehow fused. She needed to protect both of them until she understood what was going on.

Lexa felt the cool touch of metal at the base of Clarke’s skull. In a blink of an eye she spun over her body, swatting the object clean out of Raven’s hand; the device broke into pieces as it made contact with the ground. If Raven was surprised she did a good job of hiding it, leaping immediately towards Lexa in an attempt to pin her down. But Lexa was too fast, shifting upwards just in time to use the momentum in her favor, causing Raven to roll off of her back and crash into the metal medical table. Monty charged towards Lexa now, attempting to grab her, but she easily weaved to his right, taking the opportunity to slip behind and kick him square in the back. Monty slammed into the wall, crumpling to the floor.

Without looking back, Lexa pulled out into the hallway, breaking into a sprint, but she did not get far before she heard distant footsteps. Lexa frantically spun around to examine her surroundings, noticing a thin metal beam traversing the ceiling. Thinking fast, Lexa got a running start, jumped off of the adjacent wall, and grasped the beam in both of her hands. She attempted to pull herself up from there but to no avail; Clarke’s body was nowhere near as physically strong as the one Lexa was accustomed to. Still, she was able to use the closeby wall as leverage, gaining enough ground until she was able to wrap her legs around the beam.

Two Skaikru men walked underneath where she was hiding; given their garments and the way they carried themselves they were likely guards. One spoke in a hushed tone, apparent that he did not want to be overheard. “Look, I’m just saying it’s a lost cause. I mean, we’re not even allowed to carry guns anymore on our shifts, we can’t sacrifice the bullets.”

While the man speaking did not have any sort of weapon, his companion was clutching a long metal pipe in his right hand.  Lexa’s interest peaked; she would likely need something other than her fists to get Clarke out of here unscathed.

Neither of them saw her coming. Lexa landed on top of the armed guard with a thud, smashing into his shoulders with her feet. In one fluid movement she grasped the pipe from his hand and smashed the second guard in the chest, sending him colliding with the ground. Lexa hurried down the hall, pipe in hand, before either of them could recognize Clarke’s face.  

Lexa decided she would be more conspicuous sprinting down the hall, slowing her pace once she gained enough ground between her and the two men. Still, minutes passed without her crossing paths with anyone else. Even Arkadia’s largest building was limited in size; she was likely getting close an exit.

A door opened closely ahead of Lexa on her right, with a collection of voices pouring into the hall. She decided to avoid looking at them, staring straight at the ground as she continued on her path, until someone grabbed her on the shoulder.

“Where are you heading off to Clarke, do you know how late it is?”  Lexa looked up to see Abby Griffin, who was suspiciously looking at the pipe in her hand. She was with Marcus Kane, Bellamy Blake, and two other people that Lexa did not recognize.

“I couldn’t sleep, decided to go for a walk.” Lexa did her best to impersonate Clarke, praying that it would work. She knew she had to keep the conversation short before Clarke’s mother knew something was wrong.

“We haven’t even had the time to try to sleep,” the unfamiliar woman said warily. “Indra expects that we pull our weight for when Roan’s army shows up on our doorstep, but it’s impossible to plan since we have so little ammunition.”

 _“Why would Roan be attacking?”_ Lexa thought. The state of the Coalition was worse than she feared. She needed more information.  “Well, what do you have so far?” 

“Clarke, you don’t need to concern yourself with that, it’s okay. Go back to bed,” said Abby, her hand not leaving Lexa’s shoulder. “And you don’t need to carry a weapon around, as long as you’re in the camp you’re safe.”  

“Abby, she has a right to know. Besides, Clarke knows more about the Ice Nation than the rest of us, she could be helpful.” Markus started.

But before Abby could argue, the walkie-talkies everyone was exhibiting on their hip went off simultaneously. The words made Lexa’s heart sink.

“Has anyone seen Clarke?” the voice of Monty Green spoke frantically. “Raven’s done something to her, I’m not sure what, but she’s not herself anymore. I know it sounds crazy but she’s dangerous, she already took us out and two others. Someone needs to stop her NOW.”

Up until that moment Bellamy had been avoiding eye contact with her, but now he lunged, baton in hand. He was quick and skilled in combat but Lexa was even more so. She used the pipe in her right hand to block the swing, and, getting a clean opening, delivered a crushing punch underneath his jaw. As Bellamy fell to the floor, she muttered, “That’s for my people.” After a pause Lexa gave an additional kick to his ribs, “And that’s for Clarke.”    

Abby, Marcus, and the two strangers stared at her, mouths agape. She was unsure if they were not approaching out of fear, or out of not wanting to hurt Clarke.

Lexa made eye contact with Abby. “I promise you, I will keep Clarke safe.” She faced the others, “And I will do everything in my power to keep _all_ of you safe. As far as I am concerned you are still my people.” As Lexa ran she could have sworn she heard Marcus speak her name in disbelief.

Shortly afterwards, Lexa came across large double doors, and upon opening them, was rewarded with a beautiful night sky, dashes of pink forming in the distance signaling the imminent sunrise. She set her sights on the gate leading out of Arkadia and thanked the previous Commanders for their blessing; the gate was currently open.

Lexa ran as fast as she could towards the exit, but barely gained any ground when a dagger zipped past her, missing her nose by an inch. She stopped in her tracks and looked in the direction of the attack. Sitting on a horse ten paces away was Okteivia kom Skaikru, the woman born of the sky with the heart of the ground. The warrior was bearing traditional Trikru armor and brandishing a silver backsword in her right hand.

“Don’t move Clarke, I don’t want to hurt you.” It was clear that the dagger had not missed her on accident; it was a warning.

“That isn’t an option.” Lexa did not bother pretend to be Clarke anymore. “I have to get her to safety and figure out how to stop this war before more of my people are killed.”

Octavia’s eyes widened slightly. “So you are Commander Lexa. Still, I’m sorry but I can’t let you leave. We have enough going on right now and the last thing we need is you running amok possessing Clarke. Come with me, we’ll go back to Raven and figure this out.”  

“I can’t do that.” Lexa began to walk away towards the gate. Octavia was one of the few Skaikru people she felt could be trusted, Indra would not have taken her as her second otherwise. Plus, she strongly doubted she would be willing to use that sword on Clarke.

Octavia dug her heels into her horse and trotted in front of Lexa, blocking her path. She got off of her steed and, locking eyes with Lexa, slowly pointed the sword towards Clarke’s throat. She then sighed and, after a moment, flung her sword out of her hand to the ground. Octavia’s gaze shifted to the metal pipe still residing in Lexa’s hand. She nudged her head to the side, indicating that Lexa dispose of her weapon as well.

Lexa obliged. If she didn’t want that sword anywhere near Clarke, especially since she only had a pipe to defend themselves with, then what happened next would have to be decided _Ai Op_ , with no weapons besides their own selves.

Both Octavia and Lexa widened their stance, and in an instant, charged towards one another. Lexa realized very quickly that Octavia was nearly as skilled as her mentor, blocking and dodging every punch and kick Lexa was able to throw at her. Lexa did the same, neither warrior taking the offensive. But when Octavia dodged her punch, locking Lexa’s wrist between her own elbow and rib cage, Lexa learned that fighting in a body that was not her own could prove to be her demise. Clarke was likely stronger than an average Sky Person but nowhere near as strong as Octavia, and she was easily able to use this momentum to flip Lexa onto her back. The wind knocked out of her, Lexa was rolled over and Octavia sat on her back, beginning to restrain her wrists with rope.

“You know, given your reputation I expected you to kick my ass. But in all fairness you’re probably a little disoriented right now.”

But the Commander was not done yet. She broke one of her hands free of Octavia’s grasp and swung her elbow back, making contact with her opponent’s throat. She was able to force Octavia off of her back and both women stumbled back to standing. But Lexa had the upper hand now, making contact with a kick straight to Octavia’s ribs and adding second punch to her temple before she could recover.  

Octavia stumbled over, grabbing the side of her head in pain, and Lexa knew this was likely her only opportunity. She bent down to grab the pipe and sprinted past Octavia, climbing her horse in one fluid movement. She dug her heels into the creature and it cantered forward just in time; Lexa could feel Octavia’s touch along the side of her leg in a final attempt to grab her.

As Lexa galloped towards freedom, behind her Octavia bellowed so loudly her words echoed through the camp. “CLOSE THE GATES. CLOSE THEM NOW.” To Lexa’s horror the gates indeed began to close, and although her steed was running at top speed she was not going to make it.

She eyed the two Skaikru men straining to push the gates closed. One man pushed his gate notably faster than the other, giving Lexa one last opportunity. Flinging the pipe with all of her might, the pipe ricocheted off of the more open gate, hitting the faster man square in the head. He fell to the ground, giving her just enough time to fly through the gate and out of Arkadia to safety.

Lexa felt relief wash over her as the mare galloped away from the Sky People. But she covered very little distance before she began to feel slightly light headed. She slowed her horse to a stop and her determined eyes softened; Clarke turned towards the camp, peering through the still open gates.

Octavia was sitting on the ground with Raven kneeling beside her, gently applying some kind of bandage to the injury on the side of her head. Octavia looked up, locking eyes with Clarke; her expression was of nothing but absolute fury. Raven followed Octavia’s gaze to find her friend in the distance, mouthing Clarke’s name before the gates locked shut, blocking each other from view.

Clarke turned forward in a mixture of amazement and dismay. Lexa was back on this earth and still just as capable a fighter, able to best her friends and peers in ways only the Commander could. But her love was still at arm’s length, she could see through Lexa’s eyes and feel her emotion, but she could not read her thoughts nor communicate in any way. They were so close to each other and yet so tragically far.

A moment later her eyes became hard and focused once more. Lexa sat high upon her mare with the dignity and grace of the Commander, and, without as much as a glance back, started east into the depths of the forest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Phew, finally got another chapter out! There was originally more I wanted to put into this one, but I decided to cut this chapter into two, therefore this fic will now have 5 parts instead of 4. I'll have more time to work on this now (I only started working on this chapter last month) so there won't be as long of a wait for the next part :) 
> 
> Thank you everyone for the wonderful feedback last chapter! It's much appreciated (especially for a fanfic newbie like myself).


	3. Unification

King Roan and Chief Krios walked along the terrain being prepared for battle. On their left was a high, rocky cliff face, on their right, a grassy slope leading to a wide, flowing river. The land was large and open, with thick forest filling in the perimeter.  

“My scouts informed me that the Trikru and Skaikru warriors are on their way. They will likely be here by dawn tomorrow.”  Roan looked conflicted while passing along this information but said nothing more.

“Good. We are nearly prepared,” said Krios. He now had a far more leader-like appearance than when he arrived in Azgeda, sporting a trimmed beard and wearing clean, regal attire. He wore no armor despite Roan’s insistance as he believed it would not be necessary. “My soldiers are burying the last of the mines and as you can see the other weapons are already in place.” A blockade of twelve iron, large cannons were ahead of the pair, stored on thick wooden carts with an impressive pile of iron spheres aside each of them.

“And you’re positive this is going to work?”

Krios smiled. “If they come from the north their troops will be decimated by the cannons. From the south, all will perish in an instant with a click of this button.” Krios briefly pulled the mine detonator from his pocket. “And they would be fools to come from the cliffside or the river, it would be far to easy to pick them off. We have already won this battle and it hasn’t even begun.”

Roan sighed quietly. “You better be right.”

***

_Drip._

Clarke became distantly aware of the droplet that landed on her forehead, only to ignore it and drift swiftly back into sleep.

_Drip. Drip._

“No.” Clarke thought. She was far too exhausted to wake up and felt like she could sleep for an eternity. She turned her head slightly to dodge the slow trickle of water.

_Drip. Drip. Drip._

“Lexa.” Clarke burst abruptly into consciousness, her eyes wide-open, her fingers digging into the soft earth below. The rate of her breathing was increased and she was shaking slightly from the now damp shirt she was wearing.

She was positioned against the trunk of a large oak tree, its overarching leaves providing some, but incomplete, protection from the sprinkling rain. She gritted her teeth as she sat up, her back and bottom sore from the multiple hours spent dormant, seated on the earth. Clarke ran her fingers through her hair and exhaled, glancing at Octavia’s untethered horse twenty paces to her right, which was ignoring the rain and happily grazing the glistening green grass.

Clarke vividly remembered the events of the night before; Lexa’s escape from Arkadia, the hours spent traveling by horseback, and finally her arrival at an abandoned Trikru village. It appeared no one had lived here for at least a decade, with many homes burnt and charred and the rest completely overgrown with vegetation.

As soon as she arrived, Lexa leaned against the tree and waited, for whom Clarke did not know. However, Clarke’s body had not slept for over 48 hours and although she fought it, it did not take long for Lexa to drift into sleep.

“Was she waiting for me to come back?” Clarke thought. She couldn’t imagine why; she had never been to this place before and had no idea why Lexa elected to come here.

Clarke leaned back against the tree trunk, looking up at the beautiful green leaves above. She had a nagging feeling, like maybe this place was familiar somehow, but it didn’t make any sense. And suddenly, a memory that was not her own began flashing before her eyes.

/ / / / / /

Lexa was staring at the same green leaves above that Clarke had been. She was laying across someone’s lap, the person humming as they gently touched her hair. Lexa’s fingers were raking the soft grass below and Clarke noted curiously that this body seemed to be much smaller than the Lexa she had known.

“Father, is my warrior’s braid done yet?” the young Lexa asked impatiently in Trigedasleng.

“Almost, little sprout,” a deep, but tender voice responded.

Lexa exhaled sharply and pouted, now anxiously plucking single blades of grass out of the ground. She had been waiting so long for this and couldn’t imagine why her father was taking so long. But only a moment later she felt the hands leave her hair and her father say, “Done!”

Lexa sat up immediately and ran her fingers over her hair. On the left side was a single thin braid running down the entirety of her long hair. She pulled it forward, studying it, and then looked up, grinning ear-to-ear. “I _love_ it.”  

Her father chuckled. He had the same gentle, forest green eyes that Lexa did, his hair the same shade of dark brown. His mane went down to his mid-back, with a thick unkempt beard that covered most of his face. “It suits you.” He leaned forward and kissed Lexa’s forehead; she giggled as his beard tickled her skin.

“And what do we have going on here?” a female voiced asked behind the pair.

“Mother!” Lexa shot up eagerly. “I finally earned my very first warrior braid!”

Clarke couldn’t believe how much in life Lexa had looked like her mom. While her hair was dirty blonde and her eyes light brown, their facial features were almost identical.

“Finally? Lexa you’re barely past your eighth summer. Most warriors earn their first far later than you!”

Lexa quietly muttered to herself. “Most, but not _all_.”

The parents shared a brief kiss and Lexa’s mother sat down to join her family. “And how did you come to earn a mark of a warrior?”

Lexa’s father snorted and rolled up his sleeve, revealing a large, puffy bruise on his mid-forearm. “She got me good while going over some basic forms today, I didn’t think I had to worry about having that small opening but I was proven wrong!”  Lexa beamed with pride as her father patted her shoulder in approval. “And why are you back this early? It’s barely mid-day.”

Lexa’s mother warmly pulled Lexa against her, looking at her braid and softly playing with her hair. “I can thank my second for that. She made quick work of that Ice Nation scout we were tracking, I was impressed. There’s no reason Anya should not be an independent now, but she _insists_ that there’s more that she’d like to learn from me.”  

“I can be your second! I’m ready now, I could even get Father!”

Her mother laughed and pulled her daughter further onto her lap. “Lexa, we’ve been through this, not until your tenth year. No matter how good you are at beating him up.” The three of them laughed now.

There was a brief stretch of silence as the family enjoyed the shade and a light breeze on the warm, summer’s day. Then Lexa’s father reached into his pouch, pulling out a small, handheld instrument made of wood and metal prongs that Clarke did not recognize. He started playing a simple, beautiful melody and Lexa smiled. A moment later Lexa’s mother began humming along. And then she began to sing.

_“Little darling, hear my voice_  
_I'm beside you, O maiden fair_  
_Our young Lady, grow and see_ _  
_ Your land, your own faithful land”

Lexa, completely at peace, joined in with her parents.

_“Sun and moon, guide us_  
_To the hour of our glory and honor_  
_Little darling, our young Lady_ _  
_ Noble maiden fair”

/ / / / / /

Clarke’s eyes opened, with tears staining her cheeks. Lexa had never spoken of her parents, and yet this was the first place she returned to when brought back to this world. Clarke couldn’t help but think of her own father now and how much she missed him. Did Lexa lose her parents as well?

Clarke took a deep breath and stood, leaving the protection of the oak tree as she traversed the sodden earth.  She couldn’t explain it, but something deep within her was directing her towards one of the Trikru cottages ahead. As she got closer it was clear that most of the building was gone, only the charred frame and a few sections of roof still remained. The door had been ripped from its hinges, laying rotting in the grass and mud; Clarke stepped around it as she entered the home.

She examined the living space, seeing how little had survived both the flames and the years of exposure to the elements. Clarke paused as her foot kicked something, sending it rolling loudly on the fractured wooden floor. Looking down, her heart sank – it was the small instrument that she saw in Lexa’s memory, burnt and partially melted. Clarke sighed; she had a feeling what might have happened to Lexa’s parents.   

Something in the corner of the room caught her eye, likely a child’s bed given its size and shape; Clarke had a deep-seated feeling that there was somewhere she was supposed to find there. However, as she made her way towards the bed, she saw all that remained was a pile of blackened, moth-eaten furs. Frustrated and desperate, she pulled away the furs carelessly one by one, until a long wooden box was revealed. She took it into her hands and inspected it; the box was simple but well made, its near-perfect condition indicating that it was hidden long after the cottage was burned down. Clarke undid the two latches on its front and opened it.

Inside was a classic Trikru warrior’s outfit, made of layers of thick, dark leather held together by clips and leather cord. The craftsmanship was superb and as Clarke removed the articles to get a closer look, dual swords were exposed beneath, ones not dissimilar from the weapons Lexa fashioned in the City of Light. Her eyebrows raised curiously and she carefully grabbed one of the swords by the handle to inspect it.

Immediately, she was thrown into another memory.

/ / / / / /

Lexa stared at her mother as she grabbed her dual swords from off of the wall, sliding them into sheaths on her back.

The chaos could be heard from indoors, the fighting, the screaming.

“We will be back little sprout, stay hidden here and the Azgeda warriors will not find you.” Lexa nodded and her father affectionately brushed his hand over her hair, his finger catching on the still intact warrior’s braid. He grabbed his axe as he hurried out the door.

Lexa’s mother said nothing, kneeling on the floor in front of her daughter and pulling her into a quick embrace. She then kissed Lexa softly on the forehead and dashed after her husband, slamming the door behind her.

Lexa waited for a moment and stood. She grabbed a plank of wood that lay on the ground, carefully wedging it at an angle between the floor and the door to prevent anyone from entering. When finished, she stood in silence, her heart pounding as she heard the horrid sounds of battle coming from just outside of the barricaded door. And then, before she could decide her next move, she heard a soft crackling coming from the corner of the house. The young Lexa looked in horror upon the flames that began overtaking her home. She screamed and ran backwards towards the opposite side of the small cottage, tripping and landing onto her tiny bed.

Clarke tried to run forward, to direct the child towards the only door to escape. But she was useless, merely the passive spectator of a memory.

Lexa sat up on the bed of furs, hugging her legs in an attempt to calm herself down, her eyes not once leaving the growing fire. “Stay hidden and Azgeda will not find you,” she whispered to herself. “Stay hidden and Azgeda will _not_ find you.”

Only two minutes had passed and the fire crept closer to Lexa, the entirety of the home engulfed in smoke. She began to feel light-headed and tried with all of her might to stay awake. “Stay hidden and Azegeda will not find you,” she said one last time, tears in her eyes.

“LEXA!” a voice screamed frantically from outside. The person immediately began banging against the door in an attempt to break it down, soon ripping it from its hinges. The faint silhouette of a woman could be seen through the thick smoke. “Mom?” Lexa muttered weakly. But as the woman got closer it was not who Clarke had expected.

“Come on Lexa, we have to get out of here,” a younger Anya said urgently. When Lexa was too weak to respond, she bent down and scooped the girl up into her arms. The flames had spread everywhere now but Anya paid no heed, dashing through the blazing house and leaping through the doorway to safety.

Anya laid Lexa onto the ground, both of them coughing violently from their exposure to the smoke.  As soon as they caught their breath, Anya pulled out a canteen of water. “Here, drink this.”

Lexa calmed down as the cool liquid soothed her throat, and after a moment she spoke. “Thank you for saving me.” Anya smiled, but before she could respond, the smell of blood and feces hit Lexa’s senses. She sat up and took in her surroundings, completely horror-struck.

It wasn’t just her’s - nearly every single cottage in the village was on fire. Still bodies lay in the grass everywhere, the normally lush green stained with crimson.  

Lexa turned towards Anya, looking her dead in the eye. “Where are my parents?”

Anya froze, struggling to find the words. “Lexa, they didn’t…no one else….” She slowly shook her head as her eyes welled with tears.

“No,” Lexa said quietly, her bottom lip trembling. “They’re okay, they HAVE to be okay.” When Anya continued to shake her head, Lexa began to sob, her entire body shaking. Anya pulled her into a strong embrace.

“I’m sorry Lexa.” Anya whispered into her ear. “I am so sorry.”  

/ / / / / /

Clarke was kneeling in the muddy grass, drenched from the now pouring rain overhead. She didn’t know how exactly she wound up outside but it didn’t matter. Knowing that Lexa’s parents had died in such a violent way was bad enough; feeling Lexa’s pain for herself was practically unbearable. She thought of her father, of how utterly torn up inside she was when he was killed on the Ark. She didn’t even want to think of how she would have felt if she lost both him and her mother in the same day.

She wiped the mix of tears and rain from her eyes when she noticed something. Laying next to her in the grass were the dual swords, the ones that had once belonged to Lexa’s mother; she must have somehow grabbed them when she wandered outside.

Clarke carefully reached for one of the swords, grazing its handle with her fingertips, half expecting the action to engulf her in another memory. When that didn’t happen, she delicately picked up one sword, and then the other. The swords were beautifully crafted, with the iron blade razor sharp and the hilt wrapped in dark, dyed leather.

Something curious come up from inside Clarke again; she could not remember a time she even held a sword and yet they felt both familiar and powerful in her hands. She stood up, mud dripping from the knees of her now nearly brown jeans, and widened her stance. Clarke closed her eyes and inhaled deeply.

Slowly, she moved the sword in her right hand, angling it up across herself defensively, while the left sword pointed outward. She purposefully then stepped forward, fluidly moving the left and right sword together in such harmony it could almost be a dance. Her movements accelerated as her confidence increased, until suddenly she grounded herself in the mud, swiping both swords horizontally across from herself as a final blow. She opened her eyes and-

/ / / / / /

“AGAIN.” Titus stared the teenage Lexa down from across the chamber. She lowered her wooden swords, and reached her hand out for the fallen boy in front of her. When he was on his feet she faced Titus. “Why? _Heda_ said all my forms were perfect!”

Titus walked towards the pair. “And _Heda_ is not here, he is with Trikru, Sankru, and Yujleda to fight off Azgeda’s invasion.” He was clearly irritated by Lexa challenging his authority. “Yes, your forms are acceptable but you lack _ferocity_. An opponent can and will use any hesitancy against you.”

Clarke could feel Lexa’s anger beginning to build inside. “Cecil was already down, why should I hit him harder than necessary? He’s my friend.” The boy was bruised and bloodied, clearly possessing less fighting skill than his peer.

Titus got right into her face. “And that friendship is a weakness. Love is weakness, and if the Commander’s spirit is to choose you someday you must never forget that. Now, AGAIN.”

Lexa turned towards her friend and they resumed their fighting stances; Cecil looked back at her in fear. “I’m sorry,” she thought to herself, raising her swords and charging towards him.

/ / /

“Look at us now, I’m leading my own unit and you are going to be _Heda_ soon. I can’t imagine how proud your parents would be.” Anya’s arm was resting affectionately over her former second’s shoulders.

Lexa got slightly flustered. “You don’t know I’ll be chosen. Besides, _Heda_ may still pull through his injuries...”

Anya’s tone turned solemn. “I have to be honest Lexa, it isn’t looking good. He is getting weaker by the hour, I’m afraid he will likely not be with us much longer. I’m sorry, I know he is not only your _Heda_ but your mentor as well.”

Lexa shrugged. “He has spent more time at war than with his _Natblida_. Titus has taken over most of our training for the last two years.”

“Well, it’s no wonder then that the council seems so confident you will be our next Commander.” Anya smiled. “You learned to fight from a renown Azgedan slayer, not fussy old Titus.”

Lexa laughed for the first time in what felt like forever. Anya was cold and serious with everyone around her except for Lexa, which made their brief encounters even more special.

“Sure, some thought it may be Luna, but now that’s she’s run off there is no way the Spirit of the Commander would choose her, she has no honor.” Anya continued to speak but Lexa wasn’t listening.

In had walked an elegant sixteen year old girl from _Yujleda_ , the Broadleaf clan. She was short but clearly strong, with gigantic dark curls that bounced with every step she took. Her eye caught Lexa’s and she waved, smiling warmly; Lexa grinned nervously as she waved back. It was only then that she noticed that Anya had stopped talking.

“And who was that?”

Lexa felt her mouth run dry. “Um, that’s Costia. She’s Lyra’s second, the _Yujleda_ ambassador. We…chat sometimes when they’re here in Polis.” Lexa unsuccessfully tried her hide her blushing.

Clarke thought she may be jealous but she found the whole encounter endearing. If Lexa got this flustered admitting to her old mentor she snuck kisses with someone she shouldn’t, she couldn’t imagine how it would have gone if she had to tell Anya that she had made love to the sky girl that frustrated her so incredibly so.  

Anya raised one eyebrow and then smiled. “Yeah, okay. As long as you ‘chat’ where Titus can’t find you.”

Like he had just been summoned, Titus suddenly appeared, shouting from behind Anya. “Lexa, _what_ are you doing here.”

Anya immediately clenched her teeth and rolled her eyes before turning to face Titus. “Do not blame Lexa, I sent for her when I arrived.”

Titus was furious. “You know the rules. Once a Nightblood comes in for training they are to be cut off from their old life! Any potential successor to _Heda_ should have no such distractions. Being a dignitary does not make you an exception.” Titus grabbed Lexa by the sleeve of her shirt and pulled her away, as Lexa sadly looked over her shoulder towards the closest thing to an older sister she ever had.

/ / /

Lexa was shaking furiously, nearly all of her stained with ink-black blood. She glanced to her side, seeing the still bleeding corpse of the final _Natblida_ to fall, his eyes open and unfocused, her broadsword still deeply embedded in his chest. She pulled the sword from his body and fought back the strong urge to vomit.

It was no wonder to Clarke now why Lexa refused to speak of her Ascension Day.

“Long live Commander Lexa!” the crowd loudly cheered, though they felt like a world away.

Her fellow _Natblida_ were like her family. For the last two years they all spent nearly every moment together, training, eating, sleeping. And now she was alone.

Seven Nightbloods died that day. But a part of Lexa had died as well.

/ / /

“ _Heda_?” Titus quietly entered the throne room.

“Yes, Titus?” Lexa raised her head to meet his gaze, but when she saw his solemn expression her heart sank. “You have information.”

“The girl’s head was found just outside our gate at dawn, along with a note from the Ice Queen herself. We believe we have found the rest of her body near the-” Lexa slightly raised her hand and Titus stopped speaking immediately; she did not want to hear anymore.

Lexa had only been The Commander for six months now, and yet someone she cared about had already been brutally killed.

Clarke was told of Costia’s death shortly after they first met but it was very different being Lexa as she learned this news for the first time. Her entire being was overwhelmingly numb, yet devastated, a feeling Clarke was all too familiar with.

A minute of silence passed before Lexa decided to speak. “Collect her remains and send them to _Yujleda_ at once. She has family in the southeast territory.”

“ _Heda_ I-,” Titus began, but he was cut off.

“Then I want you to gather twelve messengers. No, _twenty-four_ to ensure the message arrives. Send them to the capital of each of the twelve clans we know of, whether the are allied with Polis or not.”

“I do not want you rashly attacking _Azgeda_ because of-“

“I am not being rash. It is time to form a Coalition of the twelve clans. The time of bloodshed is over. Even if Azgeda does not wish to, once we get the other eleven on our side they will have no choice.”

Lexa felt the last part of her humanity break, the last of what made her Lexa kom Trikru. She was only ‘The Commander’ now.

Titus bowed, but when he turned to leave he stopped himself, choosing instead to approach Lexa and put a hand on her shoulder. “I am sorry for your loss. I did not wish to be harsh when discouraging you from connecting with others, I only wanted to save you from something this inevitable.”

“Love puts those you care about in danger. I promise you, I will never make that mistake again.”

/ / / / /

Once more, Clarke was kneeling in the mud, her eyes clenched shut with her fingers digging through the sludge. The rain had now slowed to nothing more than a misty drizzle.

“I understand now,” she whispered; perhaps Lexa could perceive Clarke’s surroundings just as she could when Lexa escaped Arkadia, meaning Lexa would be able to hear her. “Trikru and Azgeda were at war for years and still you were able to unite them. Only you can do the same with Azgeda and Skaikru.”

Clarke opened her eyes. She was partially submerged in a shallow, clear puddle, giving her a near-perfect reflection of herself. She stared emptily for a moment and then swatted the water with her hand, turning away.

“Love puts those you care about in danger. You said it yourself. If I didn’t care for you, I wouldn’t have stayed in Polis. And if I wasn’t in Polis, Titus wouldn’t have shot you.” Clarke took a deep breath, and exhaled slowly, carefully choosing her next words.

“I think you should take control of this body, permanently if you have to. Ever since you died the world has only gotten worse. But maybe, just maybe, if The Commander returns, you can save it.” Clarke held her breath, half expecting her consciousness to be wiped from the world, or at a bare minimum hidden away; Lexa cared for her yes, but she would stop at nothing to do what was best for her people.

And yet, nothing happened.

Clarke sighed and shifted back, sitting forcefully in the mud. “Maybe that was a bit extreme. I just don’t know what to do, so many people are about to die, again.”

There were a few quiet moments as Clarke sat unmoving, taking in the beautiful and tranquil surroundings. Once she found her words, she spoke again.

“I really am sorry. I know it’s not entirely my fault you died, but I still feel like it is. If Titus had shot me instead, things would be a lot different.”

The tears were slowly dripping from Clarke’s eyes as she sat, her expression blank.

“Lexa, after we… after we proved what we meant to each other, I thought that together, you and I would be able to change the world. And I was only able to hold onto that for 10 minutes before that hope got torn away.”

“Having you gone, it nearly destroyed me. It’s what made me realize that….that I love you, and I’m sorry I never told you while you were alive. I know our people needed their Commander, but I needed Lexa.”

For the first time in months, Clarke felt the loneliness that constantly consumed her begin to ebb. Warmth spread from her core to her fingertips and she was brought into more memories. However this time they weren’t just Lexa’s, nor simply her own; they were memories they shared.

/ / / / /

Clarke was intimidated meeting the all-powerful Grounder Commander for the first time. Lexa was intrigued, with a quieted fear she wouldn’t admit - after all, this girl of the Sky People had managed to burn hundreds of her warriors.

/ / /

As Lexa moved forward and her lips touched Clarke’s, they were both stunned.

Lexa had surprised herself. Love was weakness yes, but she had finally met her equal, someone who had lost and fought and sacrificed like she had. She had prevented herself from attempting to kiss Clarke for days now but decided, just for one moment, that she could let go.

Clarke had surprised herself. She realized that she also harbored attraction for women some time before, but she was so busy trying to stop people from getting killed that she hadn’t had the time to mull it over. But here she was, softly moving her lips in tandem with the feared _Heda Leksa._

/ / /

“I swear fealty to you, _Klarke kom Skaikru_. I vow to treat your needs as my own, and your people as my people.” Lexa had never kneeled before anyone before, but she knew Clarke did not trust her. She had to prove that her word was true and that she would do whatever was in her power to keep the Sky People safe.

Clarke felt a wall break down immediately. She could not trust Lexa, not yet after the betrayal at Mount Weather. But maybe she could stop hating her, and assist Lexa in whatever she was trying to build. Clarke reached out her hand.

/ / /

“Oh um, that’s uh, not finished yet.” While Clarke was sketching the sleeping Lexa, she told herself it was because she was the only subject in the room. Deep down however, she knew that wasn’t the real reason.

Lexa locked eyes with Clarke. Were her suspicious true? Was Clarke actually developing feelings for her?

/ / /

Lexa reached her arm out to Clarke and tried to hide her disappointment. She had to accept whatever kind of relationship they were developing was coming to an end. Even if they both survived the next few months, the chances of them spending extended time together again was slim. She and Clarke would not be together in the way she had hoped but she could not mourn the idea, now was the time to do everything in her power to keep Clarke and their people safe.

Clarke softly grasped Lexa’s arm. As soon as she walked in she noticed just how beautiful Lexa looked, but if she was going to act on her growing feelings she would have had to do it before; it was time to leave Polis, likely for good.

“May we meet again,” said Lexa.  

Clarke forced a small smile. She told herself it was time to leave but as her eyes flickered between Lexa’s eyes and lips she knew she couldn’t, not yet. “Screw it,” was the last thought that went through her mind as she stepped forward and pulled Lexa into a deep kiss.

Lexa could not stop the tears flowing from her eyes. Clarke was the first person in years able to look past The Commander and see who Lexa was at her core, and she wanted Lexa just as much as Lexa wanted her.

/ / /

“Can we talk about something else?” while Clarke’s questions were of nothing more than curiosity, Lexa didn’t want to bring painful memories into the most wonderful hour she’d had since her Ascension.

“We don’t have to talk at all,” Clarke said flirtatiously.

Lexa felt a large smile overtake her and she rolled over to press her lips against Clarke’s, an action Clarke was more than happy to respond to.

As the two kissed, they felt each other’s hands graze closer together, and soon they were affectionately locking fingers, sparking the same curious thought to run through each of their minds.

“Together, will we finally reach peace?”

/ / / / /

Clarke was shaking slightly from the cold as she opened her eyes, a small, hesitant smile forming on her lips. Except, she wasn’t just Clarke, not anymore.

“Lexa, I…Clarke...” They blinked, a single tear rolling down their cheek. “We can’t believe this, we’ve...god I’ve missed you so much.” Their bottom lip trembled slightly and the tears now streamed freely down their face. The leader of the ground and the woman of the stars had truly united, two soulmates evolving into a being that was neither one person nor two.

They looked down at the reflection that now belonged to them both and, captivated, softly ran their fingertips along their cheek. The new Commander smiled wide.

“This is how we save our people. We do together.”

They dipped their fingers in the mud, quickly slathering the warrior paint substitute around their eyes.  Minutes later, donned in Lexa’s mother’s armor and fashioning Clarke’s torn up red shirt as a makeshift stole, _Heda_ snatched the dual swords from the grass and rushed towards Octavia’s horse. Mounting it swiftly and digging their heels into the mare’s side, they made their way west; it was time to end this pointless fighting, once and for all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "There won't be as long of a wait for the next part" - me, an absolute liar. Sorry it's taken so long....I got my graduate degree, and then studied for boards, and then survived two category 5 hurricanes while studying for boards (still passed!), and then started my new job! It's definitely been a hectic few months...but all things considered I am pretty happy with this chapter, even though it took forever to write. 
> 
> Lexa's backstory was fun to write, even though I broke my own heart. I decided to keep it short and sweet with the Clexa fusion this chapter...you will get to know them better in the the last two parts, I promise! Believe it or not the idea for this fic started when I watched Pacific Rim for the first time and thought "huh Clarke and Lexa would totally be drift compatible" and then I remembered Steven Universe was a thing I love, leading us to this! I hope you guys like the direction, I know it's "different"....


End file.
